Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I falcon love using swear birds
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,