You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”