If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Very good news from my accountant
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Become ungovernable.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell