(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs