I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.