Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*