*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….