“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.