If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.