If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.