Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg