obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.