Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?