when you are just born a rebel
You Might Also Like
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.