Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
accurate
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
bias laundering edition
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.