“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!