What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.