Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!