Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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dads on road-trips be like
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
also my go-to takeaway order
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
In banana years, I am bread.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant