If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
We like the way Dwight thinks
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
best first i’ve ever seen