If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.