*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Pat is about to own someone
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The old gods are rising again.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy