ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.