Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
These aren’t even hard anymore.
omg leave her alone
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…