[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
i now pronounce you bounced.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse