What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
the official breakfast of 2021
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables