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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I think I’ll stand
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.