You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….