[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels