Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You Might Also Like
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m not stressed
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
ready to be harvested