This classic never gets old . . .
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.