If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!