“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off