The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When I snag the last meatball.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”