Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?