Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art