*limbos away from your hug*
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.