Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
You Might Also Like
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.