It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
All excellent questions
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️