I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I don’t get marriage
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.