my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
You Might Also Like
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me, in DM rooms…
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad