ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.