Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!