[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Mission: Impossible
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime