A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Midwest trash talk
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though