To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Sheep
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Lmfao
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.