Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for