Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You Might Also Like
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
the world’s most popular steaming services
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*