Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
happy friday
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job