I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Friday night party time 🥳
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I gave up going to work for lent.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead